I’ve been putting off writing this blog post for a while because nobody wants to write about their failures. But it wouldn’t be fair to pretend. The truth is I caved. And it’s a repeat offence.
It all started the Friday before last when I just couldn’t get sweet things out of my mind. I was so fed up with still longing hungrily after every piece of cake and chocolate I saw. I held off all weekend but on Monday I couldn’t take it any more. It wasn’t even a snap decision. I knew exactly what I wanted. Chocolate covered Oreos. If I was going to break the fast then I was going to make it worthwhile. I searched four supermarkets before I found them. And when I got home I ate them and it was amazing. And then the next day I finished the packet. And opened a packet of Haribo that was floating around the house. Afterall, I’d broken it so what did it matter?
It all left a funny aftertaste and I felt a bit sick directly afterwards but other than that it was as if the three weeks without sugar had never happened. But I wasn’t quite ready to go back to the old ways just yet. After a talking to from my little sister who promised to make me a cheesecake at Easter if I didn’t eat any more sugar, I resolved to go back to my sugar-free misery. I did, however, start to introduce fruit. I’d always intended to around this time and it was a good compromise. But I’ve stuck to low sugar fruits like kiwi and berries and only once a day.
I really wish I could say the story ends here and that I’m back on track and the cheesecake is in sight. But I was in a crap on Tuesday and managed to get hold of another bag of Haribo, and then ate a chocolate bunny for breakfast yesterday. There was no justification for it this time. Only that I am just not getting the results I had hoped for and I’m losing sight of why I’m doing this. I’m not any skinnier, I’m not happier and I’m sleeping worse now then ever before. But the very fact I resorted to sugar when feeling low is evidence that I need to power through.
But evidently it’s not going to be a smooth journey. And it’s going to continue long after lent is over and Easter has been celebrated. I’ll have good days and bad days but hopefully the number of good will eventually outweigh the number of bad. My aim is to not beat myself up about it. To not through in the towel when I eat one, two or even three chocolate bars (so easily done), but to pick myself up and say: “Okay, that happened. Let’s try again.”
So once again I am picking myself back off the floor where I am lying feeling sorry for myself with stomach ache/trapped wind because of the Haribo and I am trying again. Will I slip up again before Easter? I honestly don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised either way. For now I am going to take it a day at a time and see where I end up.
I would also like to write as a postscript to my little sister that I apologise for not being a better role model over this; for moaning and whining to you, and giving up. I hope that reading this though, you’ll know that it’s okay not to be perfect. In fact, it’s completely normal. And we both know you’re going to make me that cheesecake anyway. xx